Giving Up Before You Even Get Started!

For many of us, there is something in our lives that we just can’t change – no matter how hard we try. Maybe it’s the last 10 lbs. you can’t loose, or paying off that credit card, or finally ditching your relationship. This can be superfrustrating, especially when you are motivated and dynamic in so many other areas of your life. So what is really going on
here?

‘Failure to Launch’ may be related to not really wanting to make this change. And here is where it gets a bit tricky. You may think you want to make the change but not really want to make the change. What am I talking about – of course life would be better without debt, a boring partner, and a marsupial pouch peeking out from above your
waistband! Or would it? Ask yourself the following 2 questions:

1. What would happen if I didn’t make the change?
You may find that nothing really would change much – so
how inspired a change is it? Uninspired changes are often motivated by ‘shoulds’ rather than ‘wants’. I should get out of debt, rather than I really want more financial security.

2. How does not making this change, and continuing to
believe I want to make this change work for me?

The thing is this – we often keep doing behaviours that have some reward in them, even when we don’t see the
reward. If you can find the hidden reward in staying in your relationship, or keeping those extra few pounds, then you can exchange the hidden reward for an overt, much better reward. For example, snarfing back another box of turtles might be a great way to hide behind the overwhelm I might feel in thinking that I will need to find time to get to the gym 3 times a week. With this new understanding, I could consciously trade the reward of avoidance for the rewards that come with more effective self and time management, even if it means getting to the gym just once a week.

And sometimes we just need a little push towards that change. Find a friend or a support group who is also dealing with making a change. Camaraderie is great for keeping the changes moving.

Focus on Intentions Not Expectations

Ever want something you didn’t get? Either someone disappointed you, or things didn’t turn out how you planned?

This happens when you have expectations and expectations inevitably lead to disaster. How? Well, expectations include others, even if they don’t know it, and you don’t realize it.

Expectations feel a lot like an agreement, where you assume “if I do this, then this will happen”. When expectations are unspoken, assumptions are unrecognized, and outcomes are not achieved, disappointment follows. You may feel like you put effort in, and didn’t get back what you thought you should.

Sound familiar? Let’s go back to my vision of snuggling by the fire. If I expected this to happen, then I might be disappointed – the dishes, the bills, the dog hair all detract from the joy of that moment! Especially if doing the dishes, paying the bills and vacuuming was someone else’s job this week.

So avoid disappointment by dropping the expectations!

Instead, try creating intentions. And make them simple. For example, if I intend to have a relaxing evening by the fire, I start by focusing on the feeling I wish to create. Intentions are about feelings, not about outcomes. And feelings happen within us. They are not dependent on someone else’s actions.

Despite the dishes, the bills, and the messy floor, I can feel contentment by my fire. I can experience the feelings of relaxation and peace by appreciating the parts of the vision that actually happen – the fire, the apple cider, my warm fuzzy feet!

Ask yourself “what feelings do I wish to experience this December?” Lovingness, peace, gratitude, abundance, joy, excitement, restfulness? Then take notice when they happen.

Feel the power of your intentions as they create the holidays you envision.

Art of the Mini-Vacation

Recently, someone I know recommended practicing the Art of the Mini-Vacation. “What a great idea!” Mini-vacations can happen anywhere, anytime. They can last 10 seconds, 10 minutes, or 10 hours. A weekend mini-vacation lasts 2 days!

So how does that work?

Any time taken away from the rush of your current life, or without the focus on your future life qualifies. Research indicates that high performance athletes take a type of mini-vacation while playing sports. Ever notice how tennis players bounce the ball a few times before serving? They are focusing their concentration, lowering their heart rate, resting muscle tissue, and restoring equilibrium to their bodies. Without a doubt, mini-vacations increase endurance and productivity – by refocusing attention, deeper meaning is brought to the tasks we do right now. For budget-minded, time-crunched vacationers, imagination is key. Here are some fun ways to practice the art of the mini-vacation.

  1. Waiting for the bus? Breathe deeply and feel the air enter and exit your lungs slowly.
  2. Meditate! Meditators have been mini-vacationing for centuries.
  3. Walk with focus. This is easy. Concentrate on how your feet feel against the floor while walking. Be conscious of how you ‘peel’ the soles of your feet up and into the air for the next step. Notice how your balance shifts? Remember to watch where you are walking though!
  4. Find 1 hour for a massage, and pretend you are in another country while being pampered.
  5. Vacuum with calypso music on. Dance while doing the rugs and pretend you are tidying your summer house in the Caribbean. You can add to the mini- vacation by practicing another language at the same time.
  6. Stay over night in a B&B just outside the city. Try things you would never try at home.
  7. Celebrate morning. This is a personal favourite. I snuggle my giant dog before getting out of bed. (Yes – I let him on the bed.)
  8. Put surprise love notes in your kid’s pockets. Just doing it feels great. And they feel special too.

Big Change, Little Effort

Ok. First things first. Are you a sceptic? Don’t believe that small, focused changes made consistently over a longer period of time can bring enormous change? If eating 1 extra pad of butter each day for a year can lead to a 10 pound weight increase, and walking an extra block each day for a month can significantly increase our cardio health, then committing to 1 small, daily, life-enhancing action can bring about greater peace of mind, empowerment, financial benefits, health gains, and a vast variety of other things – depending on where you focus your energy. Try this:

  1. Set a Goal to change something small – try switching from white bread to multi-grain, or go to bed 5 minutes earlier each night. Whatever you choose, make it small and easily do-able each day.
  2. Connect the Goal to something bigger – for example, by switching to multi-grain, you are enhancing your overall health. Getting to bed 5 minutes earlier might not seem like much, but 5 minutes of extra sleep may be a great place to start if you are sleep deprived, or perhaps, you will be able to get up 5 minutes earlier and walk to the subway, or finally get that garbage to the curb on time. Again, these are small actions that contribute to your overall life satisfaction.
  3. Try breaking your giant task down into tiny steps. Have something HUGE to do? Like cook Thanksgiving dinner for 15? Chop the carrots and put them in the freezer on Monday, dice the turnip on Tuesday, peel and cut the yams on Wednesday. You get the picture. Small goals consistently undertaken get the job down easily and quickly.

Small goals work for a few reasons:

  • First, it is easier to find 10 minutes a day to dedicate to your goal, then 1 or so each week.
  • Second, big goals can feel overwhelming.
  • Third, small tasks can often be delegated to others. Yup that’s right – maybe you don’t even have to dice the turnip!

Good Feels Good: Navigating by Joy

I once asked a very wise woman how to know the difference between what I really want and what I think I want. She shrugged her shoulders and said quite simply, “Good feels good – just follow what feels good.” Doing what feels good can change your life. Here’s how to learn to navigate by joy:

  1. Develop positive feelings about your life. Focus on feeling joyous, loved, and secure. Each morning take a moment to bring these feelings into your heart. A prayer, meditation, or promise to yourself will do the trick – make a point of acknowledging that you ‘intend’ to feel this way today.
  2. Throughout the day, remind yourself of these intentions. If you keep forgetting that’s your intention, wear something on your body to remind you – try wearing red underwear or putting your watch on the other wrist!
  3. Pay attention to opportunities that arise in your life. If they create the feeling you intend, then go for it. Really experience those feelings as deeply as possible, and thank the universe for presenting these opportunities to you. Gratitude is powerful – even if the situation doesn’t create what you thought it might.
  4. Remember to have fun! Navigating by joy will bring ‘play’ back into your life. Ask yourself, “Is there an easy way to make what I am doing right now more fun?” Try dancing with your cat while you vacuum, or pretending to be in a new sports car while driving the kids to school.

Two special techniques:

Pay attention to how many times the word ‘should’ shows up in your life. ‘Shoulds’ usually come from somewhere other than your heart. Try to eradicate ‘should’ from your vocabulary.

Just tell the universe ‘what’ you want to feel – happy, enthusiastic, loved. Never tell the universe ‘how’ to bring the feeling to you. For example, if you wish to feel more secure in your life, just ask for greater security, don’t tell the universe that you want to win the lottery or marry a wealthy partner. The universe can bring security in ways you never imagined.

Combating ‘End of the Summer Bummer Vibes’

I really don’t want to be the one to break the news to you – but fall is approaching!!! I know, you are sitting on your dock, rollerblading around town, or having a beer with friends on a patio, and the last thing you want to think about is the fall.

Why is this? Usually it is because getting back to your hectic fall schedule brings STRESS and the realization that all the fun things you had in mind for the summer never happened.

I have good news for you though – It is not too late to fit in a few of those fun things if you take a few minutes to PLAN.

  1. Start by making a list of 3 things that you really wanted to do this summer. Going to Wonderland? Taking a day trip outside town? Going wine tasting with friends? Choose things that promise a lot of fun with little preparation.
  2. Take out your calendar, agenda book, or whatever you use to keep track of your life.
  3. Select a day and write your adventure into your book. Use pen.
  4. Consider who is the best person to do this activity with, and call them up immediately. Invite them to go with you.

This all sounds so simple doesn’t it? So why is it we don’t make plans and then carry them out, especially when they would bring such reward? Research indicates that women tend to privilege the day to day tasks, or the needs of others over their own. So, they will accompany their mother to the dentist, or vacuum the living room instead of doing something for themselves. Scheduling time for yourself first creates a structure where the many tasks and duties that serve others take shape around the things that are important to you. This keeps the focus on you, while accommodating others too.

Don’t have an agenda book? Don’t worry. We will cover this in the next few months. In the meantime, put a sticky note on your bathroom mirror that reminds you of the day and time of your planned adventure to help strengthen your commitment to yourself.

Ask Jan – Coaching Tips for Easy Solutions

Q: My to-do list is a mile long every day. I can’t stand it. Sometimes I really get off on having a day lined up like dominoes and other days I just want to pull the covers over my head and pretend I am not home. What can I do?
– Super Woman Needs a Holiday

A: Dear Super Woman, Sounds like you might be an adrenaline junkie in need of rehab. Do you get a feeling of self-worth from meeting all your deadlines? Do you decide that you will NEVER work that hard again, only to find yourself swamped under with even more stuff to do? If you get a break and find your energy coming back, do you fill up your schedule immediately? If this is you, you need some serious realignment.

Start by knowing the difference between a ‘must do’ and a ‘should do’. A ‘must do’ is something that has to happen or your world will fall apart. There are very few things on our ‘must do’ list other than ‘breathe, eat, sleep, and well, – those are the big ones. The ‘should do’ list is likely long and filled with tasks that you have confused with ‘must do’s’ – that is, they are things that you believe must happen or your world will fall apart. In most cases, these are things that we feel we must do to fulfill our obligations to others, to fit in with social norms, or to feel that we are ‘good people’. Sometimes they are things that help us feel ‘in control’ of our lives – like getting out taxes in on time. Sort out the authentic ‘must-dos’ from the ‘should dos’.

Then prioritize the ‘should dos’, if you can’t get rid of them altogether. If all your ‘should dos’ are about others, then you will need to add a few for yourself. Self-care keeps you from expanding your ‘must do’ list to include things like: go for dialysis, visit therapist, have reconstructive surgery to vital internal organs.